Or so the universe tries to make you believe so. It’s in fact quite possibly one of the most stressful and depressing for me. Now don’t get me wrong here, I love the lights, gifts, close family gatherings and the overall giving spirit (ok, ok and receiving gifts is also up there). However stress fills me due to the social expectations and the commercialized part just does me in.
Growing up my family had a tradition and if you ask my sisters about it they would eagerly tell you all about how I had tricked them for years and how cutthroat I became every year over this. See, as a family we would visit lots of family and family friends. It would require a lot of driving as even though we lived in a small fishing village there was a lot of space between everyone so sometimes we would have to drive a ways to see people. During these trips we would have a competition on which side of the car (driver side or passenger) would pass the most lit up houses. We would start when we pulled out of the driveway and finish at the destination location. I always sat behind the driver seat and my older sister always sat behind the passenger seat. My younger sister always sat in the middle. They would both team up and have their faces glued to the window counting the houses with beautiful lights as we passed. I was left as a team of 1 and had full control of that side of the road. I was so competitive I didn’t care if I cheated or lied to win. I quickly discovered that if I asked first how many they counted they would always tell me and then I would volunteer my number – which I always took their number and added anywhere from 5-10 extra and proudly declared it out loud. They would shake their fists in the air and growl “Not fair! how was that possible? half if the way here your side had ocean!” I would make an excuse how there a a bunch of houses in a row where EVERY house had lights. They would have to take my word for it, as they were too focused on their side to even notice if it was remotely true. Years later I confessed which brought cries of “I knew it! I knew something was up! There was no way you one EVERY time!” My childhood was full of these little games that were constantly played on long car trips. We didn’t have tablets, phones or anything else to occupy our time and honestly I don’t know how our parents didn’t just drop us off on the side of the road somewhere to get some peace and quiet. We would always erupt in arguments or fights over these games.
When I got older I felt the pressure that I now realized my parents faced every year. Needing to make sure the extra heating bills were paid, the increased electricity bill due to all the lights (also no LED lights so the bulbs consumed way more energy back then), the expectation that is put on everyone to make the perfect Christmas for their families was all dumped on me with my family. We tried to make our own traditions as without a car and without friends living close by I couldn’t do the same traditions with my daughter as I once had with my siblings. While the new ones were fun, as an adult I felt like I was failing in providing a core memory for her.
Heating a home in winter is damn expensive. My budget was already stretched thin with needing to spend money on gifts for everyone and now with it being freezing outside almost every day it was an uphill battle. Christmas night I would look under the tree and see everything we had for our daughter and I would feel despair and panic as it never looked like enough. Would she feel Santa thought she wasn’t good enough all year to get everything she asked for? Would she visit friends houses and cousins houses and see they would have way more to open then she did? Would other people who come to visit us comment on how little was under our tree? These were things that ran though my mind and it would set me into a frenzy that would need to be talked down of. Even to this year I still feel like that despite the fact I’m pretty sure she now knows the truth about Santa and the fact she has 2 Christmas’s to experience every year. I hear many parents feel this pressure so at least I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
Gifts from Santa is only the tip of the iceberg too, there are gifts for family members and also birthdays in that month ( there are several in my family circle), so gifts need to be bought separately for that. I refuse to be that person who cops out and gets one gift for Christmas and birthday. There is also fundraising for food banks, shelters, Single Parents Association, animal shelters and so many more that put the pressure on this time of year. Then there is the work Christmas party where we would usually chip in for a gift for our manager, I would need to also get something small for the members of my team. Then gifts for friends. It just never seems to end. By the end of the month I’m tired of buying, wrapping and spending and I just want to hide in my bed and not be seen till Spring.
Why do I put myself though this? Social pressures? Not exactly. I feel like the real reason is because I remember how I felt as a kid, I remember the magic and wonder, the excitement and thrill of it all. I have so many fond memories I want them to also happen to my daughter as they were truly happy times. I’m willing to sacrifice my own sanity to give that to her.
So, is it the most wonderful time of the year? Yes and no. That’s as clear as I can make it.
What were some of your families traditions? I’d love to hear about it.
On The Rock Thoughts 